Living on my own

‘Sometimes I feel I’m gonna break down and cry, so lonely Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time I get lonely, so lonely, living on my own.

Sometimes I feel I’m always walking too fast  And everything is coming down on me down on me  I go crazy oh so crazy living on my own’

Living on my own – Queen

‘Live your #dream and wear your #passion because today you’re as old as you have ever been and as young as you will ever be…’

‘The past is dead. We can’t change it so why beat ourselves up over it? This Flowing Moment, As You Read, Is The Only Place We Can Exist!’

‘Kind, good hearted common sense is hard to beat! ;D)’

‘To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, to love someone who loves you is everything.’

‘People who are good at helping others with their issues usually have a problem following their own advice.’

“Remember happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think” 

“Don’t run away from a challenge. Instead run toward it cause the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet” Nadia Comaneci

The world is an enigma, a harmless enigma made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.U. Eco

Things are rarely, if ever, what they seem. We each stand where no one else can stand, & each has a unique view, if only ever so slightly.’

from @CharlesMunn1 Twitter feed

Can’t stop listening to FUN or the song Nate did with Pink! so beautiful!

The name is Carr (That’s c.a double rr) and chaos is the game (but not on purpose) 

So it’s the end of another week. I have bought some more paperback books, *slaps wrists* I have a list as long as my arm for my kindle and neither of this is good or helping me get through my challenge I set myself. I need to go through the boxes upstairs and really think am I going to read any of them at all or again. I asked during the week on Twitter is there a way to read quicker but still absorb the story and got no response. Today my friend showed me how to skim read and is looking for other tips on the net. Thanks Jenny. X

The reason I’m asking is because I feel like I’m a slow reader, not helped by my busy days at work and not being able to filter things out on an evening. I really should start up my journal again and watch less TV. That at the moment is helped by a squealing TV when it’s telling me it doesn’t want to play.

I absolutely love reading, I love books but every so often I fall out of it and it really annoys me. I’m now helping run two book clubs and would like to set myself homework to make sure I know what to ask and what subjects to cover, but again I leave it to the last minute and let myself down.

Life is a funny thing. I truly believe in the saying ‘You don’t know what you have until it’s gone’. After feeling like I lost everything almost 3 years ago and then again last year, for it to happen a third time, I had to put a stop to it. For my own sake more than anything. We are truly are own worst enemies. What goes on in our own ends can be so destructive I never believed it possible.

Chat over food.

I was speaking to a friend last night whilst eating a huge amount of KFC and said it’s the first time in ages I’ve felt like I’m finally settled. Unfortunately I can barely afford where I live but it’s such a hassle to move, especially since I have my own furniture and right now I just do not have the energy or will power to pack everything up. I’m enjoying what’s happening at the moment with work and the radio station and book club. I just want to enjoy everything while I can and if it gets desperate than I will reconsider.

This is where I found the coffee

I must remember when tired or stressed or doing three things at once to make a list. Yesterday I put the coffee in the fridge without realising it and today I put the store key in a completely random place that it took me most the day to find it after tipping everything out of the cupboard. My memory also goes to but I think that’s partly due to not eating properly again, lately, as it’s so easy to just put a nuked non nutritional meal in for 5 mins and ping! it’s done, and yes sometimes it doesn’t taste amazing but at least I’m eating something. I must start cooking and freezing meals again. I just feel so tired with the weather keep changing. Living on your own can be pants, rubbish, lonely, hard work  expensive, or very expensive and boring! However, as it appears I have turned into the teenager I never was, I can leave a trail of clothes on the floor, leave the washing up to pile up, listen and watch what I want when I want. I just don;t know what I want any more  So enjoy your weekend, I will be entertaining a 6 and 4 year old and then going to book club if I’ve survived. I’m kidding of course, I’ll be fine to go to book club. x

Oh and one last thought, why is it so important to update your relationship status on FB? I know I post a heck of a lot on there, but apparently today’s society feel like it’s so important to have so many friends and post things instead of texting or ringing or talking to the person in person. I had a dream the other night about dropping my phone in water and then it being dry. Apparently it mean;t I was finding hard to communicate something, not sure what, but I know I need to talk to my Mum soon and I haven’t spoken to my friend Rachel in ages! need a good catch up. So much to tell!!!

Anyway, I’m now off to clean up and then read a book.

Thank you for reading

xxx

hanging clothes on the floor

can you see the key???

I bought coffee for work

my carriage awaits

Marvin the detective

yesterday’s second breakfast

how cool is this!!!!

‘Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.’

‘The world is an enigma, a harmless enigma made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.U. Eco’

‘Things are rarely, if ever, what they seem. We each stand where no one else can stand, & each has a unique view, if only ever so slightly.’

Life is a funny thing

Some scientists say that if space is truly infinite, then there is probably an exact copy of you somewhere in the universe.

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. -Anais Nin

‘The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. William James’

‘We are what we choose to think we are. All that we are arises with the thoughts that we opt to empower to make our world.’

‘Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always #believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will?’

“If it feel safe, it’s probably not the right path, but if it scares you, it probably is” Mark Gerzon

‘Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, It is about learning to dance in the rain.’

http://www.modernlifeblogs.com/2011/04/6-things-that-will-help-you-have-a-good-day-2/

Life is a funny thing. Just when you think you’ve worked everything out and start to feel settled with what you have something just comes along to upset the apple cart. Today I realised what people have been saying all along, I’m to hard on myself. I went to the Donny store today to help out and I felt more like a hindrance.

This was my Facebook status:

‘It’s offical. My Dad cannot deny I am his daughter. I mean I even look like him! I have his knocked knees (mine are slight according to the nurse:D) I have his stubbornness. Last year I developed his ‘blame everyone and anything else but myself motto’ but the best one, and worst one…..ability to break any piece of technology by just being near it or staring at it. I am so sorry that I am hardwork and that I make things hardwork. I do get frustrated with myself about this as much as you guys do. x’

I keep getting told to keep smiling and to think positive and me being stubborn just didn’t believe it and wanted to wallow in self-pity. But I have recently seen from the ‘other side’ what happens when we get stressed out, and it’s not pretty. I don’t know what’s happened recently but I feel completely different I keep wishing for more money and material things or inanimate objects i.e. a car, but the joy should come from  things like reading (anyone know how to speed read but still absorb the story????), good health, friends a good chat with friends and what I always, always say, which these are…..the best things in life are free!!!

At the weekend I got a free feed, I got free toilet roll, I spent some time with my friends and their kids and had a play fight which was so much fun, and the chocolate fondoo thingy, bananas and chocolate mmmmmmm

I also got to share my friend’s moment when she ran her personal best at Leeds Marathon. Went to book club and was put in charge of one, that’s two now…..go me!!!! I have been giving the opportunity, responsibility of writing reviews, me writing, still can’t get over that.

So yes this is a sick bucket type blog. But please just appreciate the small things in life. Be grateful for what you have even if it’s not what you wanted. Believe in yourself and love yourself before you do anything else. And one day maybe your Mr Darcy or Miss Bennett will finally show up.

Thank you for reading

xxx

This is exactly who I am

Ellen and the Escapades – Preying on my Mind

It started with a Tweet

Yesterday was my first day back at work after a week back. Before I went I had got my head around things and finished on a high. Last week I was completely out of my comfort zone and it was a tough week. I ended up most nights in bed by 8pm fast asleep.

I was so desperate to get back to work I didn’t think to challenge how I really felt about last week. Instead I did what I’ve always done and tried to block it out. Bad idea. The thing is I hated every minute of what I was doing last week, and by then end the tension got to me and I ended up with a mashed brain and crying on the bus home.

People say I am to soft and I let things get to me. When something is that intense and you have to concentrate for long periods of time and  there appears no way of getting away from it, how can I not let it get to me.

I am really annoyed at myself because it’s prevented me from reading again and I’ve just bought  4 more books as I was given a voucher but I got all giddy and over spent. and then there’s the amount piling up on my Kindle for book club and now I realise I’m hoarding 6 large boxes in the attic. Need to take a look at that on Sunday. *sighs*

book voucher overspend and I think I already have smoke and mirrors after all that

I felt so much stronger before I left last week and I thought ‘how would I cope if things go wrong?’ I told myself I’ll be fine, it won’t matter. But as usual I was wrong. I feel like my trail of thought has changed and I don’t feel like ‘me’ or the person I was a fortnight ago. So now I have to start all over again and try to brush off these horrid feelings and start the fight from scratch. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to make it mine.

I just need to realise that my brain functions in a funny way and just need to de-clutter and reprogramme. I have to read emails or text over and over and I need to listen more, as today, I couldn’t understand a word anyone said.

Anyway here is a funny story. Last night my colleague took a bag off a customer to keep hold of until their order was ready. I didn’t Knox about this until she was looking in the bag and going ‘who on earth would leave their fish here???’. I thought she mean’t tea i.e. bought from the supermarket, but it took a while to grasp what she was on about, and in the bag was a bag of water with two goldfish in and a tub of food. It was getting past closing and they hadn’t turned up, so I rang security, who told me to take them to lost property. Luckily the owner turned up and made the end of a tough day amusing.

It also led to an amusing Twitter feed later on when I retweeted works post. see image at the end.

We found Nemo

I am the first to admit I am hopeless with directions. I get lost quite easily. In Doncaster, I went three times around the shopping centre to find my pace of work, and each time I went to the loo (not in the shop) on my way I back I got lost. Today we asked where one of the security came from and he said somewhere between Bristol and Gloucester. She found it on the internet and later he asked where she was from and said Wakefield and she then said to him ‘where you from again? Gloughton?’ oh dear. I tried winding her up later when she was on about listening to different music, She said  ’I love Eminem’. I replied  ’I know I prefer the chocolate ones’.  Bad I know.

I’ve got to say she has been amazing. It’s made such a difference at work and I love both the girls who work with me. I have Shannon during the week and Jenny at the weekends. I’m just trying my hardest to be a good boss, and not turn Mumsy and hopefully a good friend who they can feel they can come to at the end of the day with their problems. It’s a toughie.

Oh, and I really need to know how to get my brain to read quicker but enjoy the book, please help me out with this!!!

last nights teatea, doesn’t look as appetising now

more new books from last month

more new books from last month

last nights tea

still to read

remember these???

remember these???

HOLBY CITY

remember these???

remember these???

I printed this

accidental photo

I love my kindle. but still scared of it :)

again no name so took matters into my own hands

what;s this about???

big kid :D

remember these???

Last nights tweets in reverse order

Thank you for reading

xxx

Book choice for June.

Reblogged from southleedscommunityradio:

• 

We're now well under way with book club and have the next two months book choices lined up, we're just awaiting dates to be set. For July, we're hoping to read The Broken Token by local author Chris Nickson and hopefully he will be joining us at some point for a discussion about this book and his latest The Dying of the Year.

Read more… 275 more words

Next months book choice

2013. A year for anniversaries.

Life is a roller-coaster, It’s a saying and a song, right? Well it certainly has been for me the last few years.

The book I didn’t get to finish

Yesterday was book club at White swan. It marked the first anniversary of me joining the club and I have loved every minute. I may have been over giddy, and plus I let myself down by not ding my homework. Due to so many things colliding together I just couldn’t find the time or concentration to read it. I Loved what I had read but last week was so intense I just couldn’t pick up any book to read. I hate it when that happens. However as it’s fitting to be the first year I am doing the write-up for this one I just have to try finish my homework this week, as I’m at a meeting with book club tomorrow and Wednesday. Exciting times!!!!

Also it was the Leeds half-marathon, my friend Caroline was running it and I said I would go down to cheer her on. I had walked into town and when I saw the start and everyone setting up, I felt a pang of sadness, I wanted to be doing it, but can’t because I have been too lazy to fix my knee. Caroline is an amazing person, I met her at a photography studio where we both worked and I am the first to admit we both clashed or it may have been me, not sure. Anyway, she has been through a similar experience to me and is finally coming through the other end.  Although I think she has done a far better job than me. Yesterday Caroline achieved her Personal Best by shaving 15 mins off her time coming in on 2 hours. Sadly due to me flapping me home made sign about we didn’t get a good shot of her coming in, I hope she is in a paper somewhere or has a good photo on the marathon website. This lovely lady is such an inspiration see her bog here

I wrote in the last blog about the ‘little Helen’ being scared about stuff. In recent months and years I have gone up and down like a yo-yo and almost coming close to the string snapping on me twice and just giving up. I feel like I’ve lost everything twice over and now or the third attempt of trying to put things right, to put my life in some sort of order I think it’s working. Well, in ‘Helen’ fashion. The hard way and the one that takes the scenic route. But hey I feel so much better I just query everything now.

The one thing everyone kept telling me was that I was a lovely person that I was bright, intelligent and should have more faith in myself and stop making life so hard. I never listened. That was until I felt like I nearly lost everything and was going to flee up to my Mum’s. That would have been the worst thing ever (nothing against you Mum). So what stopped me?. A lot of things really. The few friends who had stuck by me and I think in a way forgave me without telling me. The fact that the life I have built for myself (with help of others) is something I wish I had 10 years ago. But hey, I’m slow on the uptake remember!!!

If I moved back home I would have been giving up a job that I love and I am good at. I missed not being at work last week, it’s my second home and the people who work there make it what it is.

I also would be giving up on a lovely city, a fantastic pub my fourth home! and of course bookclub! both the Leeds one run by Niamh and The radio one by Nicola. I am astounded at what I have achieved and the faith these two lovely ladies have in me, So thank you.

Now I need to get on with The Enid Blyton challenge, along with finishing last nights book and to choose some of my own, unfortunatly like my paperbooks my knidle books are piling up and I somehow need to find the time and skill to read quicker!!! Come on brain help me out!!! Oh and think of ideas for tomorrow night along with updating the radio blog, and thinking about what changes/promotions I can do for work to keep things fresh. Life is steadily getting better and better, I just lack money (seems to be everything in this world) and faith in myself, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely

Oh and I learn’t what an earworm was, it’s not medical or disgusting, phew! read this

Enjoy the rest of your Monday

Thank you for reading

xxx

don’t leave pens unattended :(

Friday’s tea

I am so addicted to these!!!!

where’s the telly???

:(

The champion!

I got given a book voucher but came out with more than it was worth :)

Darren’s homemade scotch egg. wow!!!

Fetch!

my office

You’re never to old to need your mum and they’re the one person who know you better than you know yourself. Love you Mum x

Funny things adults. We or me personally always seem to be to hard on myself. Never feel like I’m good enough. Always feeling/wishing things were not so difficult and they’re probably not as bad as I think they are it’s just when you get wrapped in your own little world and things build up to be bigger than they are.

On Sunday I met my good friend Caroline. I wanted to go to a book launch and we agreed to meet for lunch, but with the sun shining and sitting outside the White Swan we got caught up in talking and were late ordering food that we stayed where we were. To be fair, I did not know where this launch was or what it was about, I just wanted to meet up with some people from world book night.

Anyway long story short, we hadn’t seen each other for ages and had lots to catch up and on and the food we ordered was huge and amazing that we stayed longer and decided we’d try catch the ending. But while looking for it I got a call from work and had to go in.

Abandoning Caroline I finished the day there, but loved what she said. That I looked and sounded stronger and it’s okay to get scared once in a while. That we have the ‘little Helen’ or ‘Little Caroline’ inside off us somewhere and it’s okay if they get scared once in a while but it’s time to get on with things and be stronger.

My greatest achievement

She also pointed out that I can’t deal with change very well, like I need my routine and don’t like it when things are out of my control. Or something like that. She’s right I hate change, I’m very scared of anything new, If things are working I like them to stay that way, that the slightest change can cause I ripple effect and I feel the world is falling apart. It’s really silly.

It’s like I got a text message off my Mum yesterday asking if I was okay, I rang the house and my Sister answered and she said, ‘You need to speak to Mum don’t you?’ I babbled yes and still at the age of 33 my Mum knows what I’m like and told me that just because things are different this week, I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself and just go with the flow. I rarely do this. I build things up to bigger than they are, and in effect come crashing down again.

I can’t believe I still do it. It’s so silly. I don’t like change simply because of things happening when I was little. I’m not blaming everything on this but I used to always start to panic when things were going well. Dad would be in a good mood, school would be okay and Jane was fit and well. Then I used to get this uneasy feeling thinking my luck would run out and something bad would happen. Then hey presto, either Dad would fall out with me, or Jane would be ill or something would go wrong at school, it could be anything and I would think it was my fault. Bonkers I know. But when you live in a house full of medical conditions (I’m lucky I only had problems with period pains) Things can get quite intense. In our house I had so many arguments with my Dad over the most stupid thing and his excuse was that it was always my fault and I was stubborn and irresponsible and that he had a lot of health problems. Well so did my Mum and sister and they never kicked up so much fuss. I tried so hard to communicate with him, but like he said it could have been that I was such a stubborn and independent bugger that perhaps he couldn’t’ relate to that, but after looking after Mum from as young as I remember and being aware that we weren’t to disturb my Dad it was a bit of a bag of mixed signals of whether he was approachable or not.  And if he reads this I really don’t care because I was never good enough in his eyes, he blamed me for everything and it wasn’t never his fault (a bad habit I started last year) and yes he’s helped me in the last few years but as a person he hasn’t changed even though I saw someone completely different last September. Strange that. And he’ll say this is a load of rubbish but unfortunately how we see ourselves is different to how others see us. Sometimes it’s a good thing as like with me people can point out when there’s something wrong (even if you don’t want to believe it yourself).

Charge!!! Darren’s dog Marvin

July 2011

Not my best side lol

July 2011

Darcy: If you’re not otherwise engaged, would you do me the honour of dancing the next with me, Miss Bennet? Elizabeth: Why I . . . had not . . . I thank you, yes. Why could I not think of an excuse? Hateful man! I promised myself I would never dance with him. ~ Pride and Prejudice (1995)

2 packs of these and a coffee and luckily I’m still awake :)

Filofax for work can be back in use shortly

So lessons learned. Change can be for the better. We should embrace it. The not knowing is not all that scary and we shouldn’t build it up to be like the monster people think hide under the bed or in my case spiders.

Silly phrases keep popping up like, ‘life’s to short’ ‘keep smiling’ - hard one when you feel really down. oh and ‘you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ so embrace life, breathe everything in, and if at any point you suffer a ‘blip’ ride it out and don’t be so hard on yourself.

In my case, I haven’t got the money, the house, the husband, the two point four children I wished for. But I’ve got something I never imagined I would have when I was at school. I have a good bunch of friends, well it’s dwindled in last year but the ones who stuck by me I am most grateful. just hope they feel the same way. I have a fantastic family. And I really can’t believe the relationship I have with my sister considering the fact at times I’ve acted like a second mother. Sorry about that.

As humans we are all different, all set for different purposes. If anyone thinks they are better than you than they’re not worth bothering with. I know I tell myself I’m not good t things but I know now, that I have to do what I did when I was younger. I have to get back the fighting spirit and start doing anything and everything that comes my way, and if I don’t think I can do it I need to find a way how.

And I promise for next book club for radio I will eventually get around to making a list of topic points.

So please raise your glass or coffee cup to 2013. Well what’s left of it. I always seem to get to this point of the year and mull and moan over everything I haven’t done. That stops today. It has to.

Lets embrace the new and let go some of the old, but not all of it.

Thank you for reading

xx

‘I had the time of my life………’

mint chocolate

I’m feeling rather unsettled. Life is good. It’s better then expected and I have this feeling which I have from being little that something is going to blow up in my face. Sounds daft and negative, but when things were good at home (sorry Mum’s) When I was growing up it mean’t that we were heading for a storm with my Dad and his moods (sorry, illnesses) Unfortunately it’s something that I can’t shift how ever hard I try. I’ll be floating along happy as a bee, then wallop, this sinking feeling starts and then I get worried. I feel so silly and know this is ridiculous because if anything did go wrong I think I’m much stronger to handle it then I was last year or year before and that’s thanks to all my friends and family who have stuck by me this last 3 years. I love you all loads and am so grateful, I don’t think I could ever repay you.

Today I had a fantastic day. I met up with an old friend had a good natter and amazing food and I think Caroline is an amazing person and I’m so grateful to have her in my life. We nattered so long we ended up ordering food late and then went off for cake. I did want to go to a book launch but was having such a fab time I didn’t care plus we couldn’t find it love you Caz.

So to the next two weeks I’m away from work and have the weekend almost full. I’m apprehensive yet excited. These last few months have been really stressful and part of it caused by someone who will never change however much I want him to. It’s his loss. Like Caroline says I’m getting stronger and although ‘little helen’ might still get scared that’s ok as what’s happening now is so much more important.

Now back to Dirty Dancing

Thank you for reading

xxxx

Courgettes, Squashed Doughnuts and "Helenisms."

Reblogged from Lofty is as Lofty does!:

• 
• 

Last weekend my sister Helen came home for three days. After arriving  by train she decided to drag me around Durham before heading back to the house, luckily she didn't have too much luggage this time especially since I ended up carrying it! She took photos of everything, as usual, including her food, a stuffed penguin and a dog's arse (think that last 1 was accidental) and even got me to take one of her in front of Krispy Kremes.

Read more… 352 more words

I think my sister needs to start writing more. She always did great stories

‘Tragedy! when the feelings gone and you can’t go on……. it’s big fish, small fish, cardboard box!’

July 2011

Sausage bigger than bread mmmmmm

from twitter @SewYou *sniggers*

My freebies and one is for book club next month. as they say ‘HUZZAH’

i love the lego shop!!!!

Life is good. Life is great. It could be Fantastic but I’m getting there. I’ve just pulled off an 11 hour shift. The bosses came in for a visit in the middle of the chaos and the point where I had hit a brick wall. I hate the wall. Hence why I dropped hints for a coffee and then BANG! caffeine hit me and I was off again.

Basically it’s t-shirt season and everyone and anyone wants t-shirts. Being near the heat press when it’s getting warmer outside is not a good idea. the heat sends you a bit doo-lally. I am so glad for my new work colleague. Little Shannon is only 17 but she puts in the hard work like our Jenny, The Saturday girl. We now have a strong team at work and I’m loving it.

Although I doubt Shannon liked my taste in song or dancing. it was Steps by Tragedy and I was doing some whacky dances while she pressed t-shirts and I tried to put things back into some order. Tomorrow we have to start all over again, I learned some lessons today and was asked once again about my love life. It’s non existant. I don’t want one I don’t need one. I don’t want the responsibility of other people’s emotions and I’m not ready to be hurt again, not saying I will, I just can’t go through anything not working out.

Like I said before the important things in my life is work, book club, radio and spending time with friends and family. Hope you all had a good Wednesday.

Oh and I hope to see this soon Enid Blyton exhibition

Thank you for reading

xxx